Skip to main content

Depression

The following is an extract of a piece I wrote in 2013, and by the date, it was a few weeks before I was diagnosed with depression. I feel as someone who is recovering from depression, it can be hard to fully express what it can feel like, especially as I haven't been in such a dark place for at least a year. But this is what it feels like.

"Wed 24/08/13
Um, I didn't feel sad, like yesterday, or angry, like a couple of weeks ago. I felt... empty. I don't like feeling empty. Like something may trigger a smile but I didn't feel happy. At least when I feel sad, things can make me feel happy too. I don't like feeling empty. I don't know whether it was some 'cleansing' thing from all my crying last night. But I don't like it. Yesterday I was sad and ANXIOUS. Today, I felt sick and empty. I smile on the outside, because I know something makes me smile and makes me happy,  but it's like I can't feel it. And it unnerves me. I felt a bit better in the last hour, but I can still tell I'm not right right now. It wasn't proper happiness. It was a smidgen. I still felt too empty. It worries me. I don't like feeling like this. I just want to be happy."
"I can't help it if I do have depression, and if I do, they've certainly belittled the situation and [could have] stopped it from being a lot worse."
"I don't want to be miserable like I was when I was little.... I just don't want to be sad for no reason."

Following this, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and had rather severe reoccurring suidal thought. The only reason I was finally taken seriously by my parents and doctors was when I told them how much I wanted to die. If you're feeling like this, please search for help, family, friends, counselling, helpline, anything, because I'm living proof it can get better. If you think someone you know is feeling this way, at least ask them how they are and let them know you're there for them. That's a huge first step.
~
Hope this blog could help! Come back every Wednesday (I know today is Thursday, I thought it was Wednesday :3), or check out my Facebook and Twitter for reminders
Facebook: justaoifethings
Twitter: @justaoifethings
Instagram: @justaoifethings

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unusual Coping Method

If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli
Post a Comment
Read more

Cycle Against Suicide

An organisation set up by Jim Breen, where thousands of people cycle through Ireland every year, to break the cycle of suicide. Cleverly placed pun. Today, the lovely Mr Breen came to my school and talked to all seven hundred plus of us. In the back, wearing a disgustingly bright orange shirt in support (and feeling decidedly Dutch), I was struggling not to cry. Not that he was being morbid. He didn't delve into details of his depression, or any gruesome details of suicide. He spoke in such a way that was amazing. He spoke to us in a way that reached all levels of understanding in relation to mental health. He was able to educate those who have never experienced a mental monster, without boring them, or frightening them off the topic. Though, even with such sensitivity, he was able to touch those who had suffered mental illness. It was like a little nod to us. We knew we were understood, that he understood. For me, that is always extremely emotional. For someone to understa
Post a Comment
Read more

Feeling Anxious

Having anxiety, I regularly tend to feel anxious. I've been asked if it's excessive or extreme worry or stress, but no, it's not. It's anxiety, it's very different. Right now, I'm feeling particularly anxious. When I say this to a person without anxiety, they assume I'm feeling worried or stressed, which isn't the case. I feel like there's something massive weighing my chest down. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe, because if I don't, I will forget to do so. I feel as if a snake is making its way up my throat, trying to twist my oesophagus while its head rests on the back of my tongue. My head is spinning. It goes from one thought to the next and back again in a couple of seconds. My mind is transfixed on one thing that I'm anxious on, and I know that anxiety is making me think it's worse than it is. (Or is it? I don't know.) My senses are heightened. Every noise is irratating, and I can feel things through just a bru
2 comments
Read more