Skip to main content

Doing Something Important When You have Anxiety

Have you ever listened to Lose Yourself by Eminem? I feel that it's a good example of what I want to talk about today.

If you've ever read my blog before, you know that I have a chronic anxiety disorder. Typically, on a day to day basis, I feel like one of the opening lines of that song; "sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy". I'd feel like that 9/10 days in the morning going to school, and on that 1/10, I'd feel that way by the time I've come home. That type of anxiety is tiring, but what happens when you're doing something important to you, or if there's a lot of risk.
I'm one exam away from finishing my leaving cert, the Irish final exams. It's the main route into getting into university, something I've been encouraged to do since I was small and something I've wanted to do for years.

These exams are corrected in an odd manner, so there's a lot of competition and pressure, which doesn't help when it's the key to your plans for the next four years. I also only have one shot, one set of exams, once.
You could say I could repeat, but if you've read my blog, you know that school is a somewhat toxic environment for Becky and I.

So what happens when faced with this? Something that is personally very important?
Sleepless nights, illness, loosing weight. I had just finished one of my Irish papers, and was sitting in the school canteen waiting for my biology exam. People were talking away to me, and I noticed my hand violently shaking.
The anxiety nightmares come regular and plentiful, even though most of them make sense. They take up so much energy that sleep felt useless.
I've cried after exams and Becky has accepted her fate of failing every single one of them.
The most frustrating thing is that I don't feel present. Nine of my ten exams were very close together, and those days feel like a blur. I don't remember being particularly anxious in them. I don't feel like I really did them. I'd see myself in the mirror, and there was am exhausted woman, hair frazzled, bags under the eyes, skin almost translucent.
Was that really me?
Apparenlty so.
It was like I was a puppet carrying out actions that I wasn't paying much attention to.

I suppose this absence of me is how I've coped with these exams. I've been building up to them for years. I know everyone else has too, but not everybody wants to go to university, not everybody needs high grades, not everybody has anxiety. This has always been a huge deal for me, and it's passing by my eyes in a way I never thought Becky would allow.

This, I'm presuming, is purely a coping mechanism I've unconsciously developed. Is it healthy or would it be better to acknowledge it more?
Maybe not, since I couldn't bring myself to do the leaving cert, which didn't have half the importance as this does.

~~~
Have you had any experience of this? Let me know your experiences. What's important to you, and how do you cope if you have anxiety, depression or any other mental health issue?
All comments are welcome but asked to be respectful
Social media;
Facebook: justaoifethings
Twitter: @justaoifethings
Instagram: @justaoifethings

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cycle Against Suicide

An organisation set up by Jim Breen, where thousands of people cycle through Ireland every year, to break the cycle of suicide. Cleverly placed pun. Today, the lovely Mr Breen came to my school and talked to all seven hundred plus of us. In the back, wearing a disgustingly bright orange shirt in support (and feeling decidedly Dutch), I was struggling not to cry. Not that he was being morbid. He didn't delve into details of his depression, or any gruesome details of suicide. He spoke in such a way that was amazing. He spoke to us in a way that reached all levels of understanding in relation to mental health. He was able to educate those who have never experienced a mental monster, without boring them, or frightening them off the topic. Though, even with such sensitivity, he was able to touch those who had suffered mental illness. It was like a little nod to us. We knew we were understood, that he understood. For me, that is always extremely emotional. For someone to understa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dear Becky

Dear Becky; A new series I intend to continue. Becky is a big part of my life. Becky is my anxiety. If you have read my previous blog posts, you will know that naming my anxiety has given me great control and power, but Becky is still alive and can be strong. I find great comfort in writing things down. It helps me to think rationally, something Becky fights hard to prevent. Dear Becky will be my writing to Becky, to counteract the anxiety that she's called me. I will write to see what is real and what is Becky fuelled. Will you find it interesting? Maybe not. Unless you're interested in a mind corrupted with anxiety. I know my mental health is the most important thing, and if it helps me cope with life, then that's amazing. If someone reads this, and learns how to deal with their own mental illness or learns how to understand someone in their life with a mental illness, then even better. Dear Becky, You were strong today. I don't know why. But I didn't let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Friends and Mental Health

No, life is not like a novel. Unfortunately. So one person will not come and understand all your woes and make life better.  It's unfair to expect so much out of one person. One person cannot be perfect. One person cannot understand everything you're going through, even if they have the same mental illness as you, no matter how much they'd like to. I've met multitudes of people with anxiety and depression. Some of us understand eachother and get along, and some of us just don't. And that's fine. You cannot expect one person to fulfill your needs as a human. I'm not telling you that you need a million friends or have to be a social butterfly. Just a few, so you don't rely on one person. There's something about life today that makes us forget that others are humans, with emotions and needs. I learned the hard way that you cannot impose all your problems on one person. People tend to be kind and cautious when you're going through a tough time,...
Post a Comment
Read more