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Realities of Recovery

Right now I feel like a cartoon character that is standing still, but the world behind it is spinning to make it look like it's moving.
There's so much online about mental health. There are so many organisations dealing with it. But they all seem to focus on getting people started on recovery, or talking to people who have been recovered for a long time. What if, like me, you're in the middle of recovery?
There was one point that I thought I was recovered. I was still anxious, but my anxiety was a disorder and not going away. The depression though, seemed to be gone. Or so I thought. I have been having an increasing amount of depressive episodes, all increasing in intensity. This has been happening for around nine months, and it's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. It's driving me nuts (figuratively?). So I have now made the decision to go back to a doctor to see if I can get antidepressants alongside my anxiety medication, that was once used for depression too, but doesn't seem to be cutting it anymore. I also went back to therapy last year.
As all this was happening, I was unbelievably frustrated with myself. Was I relapsing? Was I ever going to get better? And the more I thought about it, I realised that the actual recovery process itself isn't discussed. I suppose, when encouraging people to get on that path, you don't want to scare them with the realities with recovery. It's difficult. You are forced not only to see issues with yourself, but your past. Trying to change your habits and letting go of things is much more difficult then people imagine.
Right now, I have spent days in bed. I have been numb. I have just wanted to crawl up and die because we all die anyway. I've been convinced that everyone hates me.
And that means that I'm far from recovery, still. Which is frustrating, since I thought I was ok for a while. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure why I thought I was recovered. I think I thought all my bad feelings were related to a bad incident that's long gone now. I also don't have a normal to compare my mental health with, so I'm often uncertain. But I also don't hear a lot about other people's recovery struggles. Perhaps it's mentioned briefly sometimes. Recovery was hard, but I'm great now. I had relapsed but now I'm fine. Maybe, if it's ok, we can start sharing this mid recovery journeys and struggles. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone. And I'm sure others feel the same.




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