I'm stuck in my last few months in school. The one person I know who truly cares about me is over 800 miles away. I have friends, but I know I dont make them smile when they see me. I know they don't miss me when I don't see them for weeks. Most don't make any effort to make any contact with me apart from my best friend.
She wasn't in school today and I genuinely felt rather disliked. I felt like I was just intruding on other people's space and inconveniencing them. Forced laughs and smiles ensued. Details of social gatherings came out. I smiled, nodded, asked questions.
But in my head, I asked,
Why was I never invited?
Yes, my friends know I struggle with anxiety and being social, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go out. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to people, to see friends, to feel part of something.
How will I ever cope with social events if I'm never given the chance?
I don't know what I do wrong. What about me is so unlikable? I try my best, and I'm always kind to people. Perhaps my anxiety and awkwardness just makes people feel the same way. Perhaps I was just destined not to have many friends.
Not that I want thirty eight thousand friends. I want real friends, genuine friends who care about me. I just don't understand that people I care about, who call themselves my friends, don't really care about me.
What makes me such a third wheel in life? How come I either connect completely with people, or make them feel so uncomfortable they avoid me?
I have always been the one who advocates for medication for mental health and its usefullness, but what happens when your medication doesn't work for you anymore? That is what had been happening to me recently (hence the complete lack of a schedule on this blog). I had been dealing with it until a point, until depression hit me hard, and for more than a couple of days this time. I had avoided going to the doctor because I didn't want to go back to switching between medications all the time, incase they made everything worse. When I was eventually forced to go, only my contraceptive pill was changed, at first. The doctor told me that she never would take me off my medcation, and for that, I was relieved. So many people ask when I'm coming off it, or are surprised when I'm still on it. People don't seem to realise that disorders and illnesses don't just go away (I wish they did, though). As I changed contraceptive pill, the low feeling of depression went away, b...
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