I'm stuck in my last few months in school. The one person I know who truly cares about me is over 800 miles away. I have friends, but I know I dont make them smile when they see me. I know they don't miss me when I don't see them for weeks. Most don't make any effort to make any contact with me apart from my best friend.
She wasn't in school today and I genuinely felt rather disliked. I felt like I was just intruding on other people's space and inconveniencing them. Forced laughs and smiles ensued. Details of social gatherings came out. I smiled, nodded, asked questions.
But in my head, I asked,
Why was I never invited?
Yes, my friends know I struggle with anxiety and being social, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go out. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to people, to see friends, to feel part of something.
How will I ever cope with social events if I'm never given the chance?
I don't know what I do wrong. What about me is so unlikable? I try my best, and I'm always kind to people. Perhaps my anxiety and awkwardness just makes people feel the same way. Perhaps I was just destined not to have many friends.
Not that I want thirty eight thousand friends. I want real friends, genuine friends who care about me. I just don't understand that people I care about, who call themselves my friends, don't really care about me.
What makes me such a third wheel in life? How come I either connect completely with people, or make them feel so uncomfortable they avoid me?
If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
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