Skip to main content

When I Feel I Don't Matter

I'm stuck in my last few months in school. The one person I know who truly cares about me is over 800 miles away. I have friends, but I know I dont make them smile when they see me. I know they don't miss me when I don't see them for weeks. Most don't make any effort to make any contact with me apart from my best friend.
She wasn't in school today and I genuinely felt rather disliked. I felt like I was just intruding on other people's space and inconveniencing them. Forced laughs and smiles ensued. Details of social gatherings came out. I smiled, nodded, asked questions.
But in my head, I asked,
Why was I never invited?
Yes, my friends know I struggle with anxiety and being social, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go out. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to people, to see friends, to feel part of something.
How will I ever cope with social events if I'm never given the chance?
I don't know what I do wrong. What about me is so unlikable? I try my best, and I'm always kind to people. Perhaps my anxiety and awkwardness just makes people feel the same way. Perhaps I was just destined not to have many friends.
Not that I want thirty eight thousand friends. I want real friends, genuine friends who care about me. I just don't understand that people I care about, who call themselves my friends, don't really care about me.
What makes me such a third wheel in life? How come I either connect completely with people, or make them feel so uncomfortable they avoid me?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cycle Against Suicide

An organisation set up by Jim Breen, where thousands of people cycle through Ireland every year, to break the cycle of suicide. Cleverly placed pun. Today, the lovely Mr Breen came to my school and talked to all seven hundred plus of us. In the back, wearing a disgustingly bright orange shirt in support (and feeling decidedly Dutch), I was struggling not to cry. Not that he was being morbid. He didn't delve into details of his depression, or any gruesome details of suicide. He spoke in such a way that was amazing. He spoke to us in a way that reached all levels of understanding in relation to mental health. He was able to educate those who have never experienced a mental monster, without boring them, or frightening them off the topic. Though, even with such sensitivity, he was able to touch those who had suffered mental illness. It was like a little nod to us. We knew we were understood, that he understood. For me, that is always extremely emotional. For someone to understa...

Dear Becky

Dear Becky; A new series I intend to continue. Becky is a big part of my life. Becky is my anxiety. If you have read my previous blog posts, you will know that naming my anxiety has given me great control and power, but Becky is still alive and can be strong. I find great comfort in writing things down. It helps me to think rationally, something Becky fights hard to prevent. Dear Becky will be my writing to Becky, to counteract the anxiety that she's called me. I will write to see what is real and what is Becky fuelled. Will you find it interesting? Maybe not. Unless you're interested in a mind corrupted with anxiety. I know my mental health is the most important thing, and if it helps me cope with life, then that's amazing. If someone reads this, and learns how to deal with their own mental illness or learns how to understand someone in their life with a mental illness, then even better. Dear Becky, You were strong today. I don't know why. But I didn't let ...

Friends and Mental Health

No, life is not like a novel. Unfortunately. So one person will not come and understand all your woes and make life better.  It's unfair to expect so much out of one person. One person cannot be perfect. One person cannot understand everything you're going through, even if they have the same mental illness as you, no matter how much they'd like to. I've met multitudes of people with anxiety and depression. Some of us understand eachother and get along, and some of us just don't. And that's fine. You cannot expect one person to fulfill your needs as a human. I'm not telling you that you need a million friends or have to be a social butterfly. Just a few, so you don't rely on one person. There's something about life today that makes us forget that others are humans, with emotions and needs. I learned the hard way that you cannot impose all your problems on one person. People tend to be kind and cautious when you're going through a tough time,...