justaoifethings

If you're unaware of what this series is, see the first installment here . Dear Becky, I think it's you who I'm talking to. When it comes to my body, I'm not exactly sure. I was so happy with my body for a long time, but I know it was because I lost a lot of weight. I wasn't able to gain any, so I was able to eat like a normal person. My weight has finally settled, at a weight that's lighter than my original, but I'm panicking. Is it you who is making me think I look fat? Is it you who is making me see my body in a distorted image? Is it you who's making me feel awful about myself? Becky, do you make me not want to eat, to exercise excessively? I know it's ridiculous, I don't need to write to you to know that. When I exercise outside of my usual routine, I'm internally yelling at myself the entire time. But, when I eat, I wish I hadn't. I wish I could reverse half of what I've eaten today, and I'm dreading dinner. What ar...

If you've read my blog before, you will have noticed my "Dear Becky" series . To amend any confusion, Becky is my GAD (anxiety). A mental illness. It's an evil entity, but it only fights for its own survival. No-one could really say that's wrong, as that's what we all do. But when a survival method becomes destructive, it's hated and loathed. 'Becky' seems like such a trivial name to give something so dark. They say giving something a name gives it power, and that's why I held off. But when the name was christened, the power was thrown onto me. I didn't feel weak anymore. I was able to take control. Then Becky wasn't such a dark entity anymore. She was still strong, capable of corrupting my mind, taking over my body, paralysing me. But I had grasped some control. I was determined to fight for my own survival, as Becky had fought for hers. She had fought long and hard and was no stranger to overkill, but with the simple act of nam...

Dear Becky, You're seeing him for the first time in months. Yes, he'll have to go home again, but this will be one of the, of not the, last time. Besides, it's been like that every time. You're not going to ruin the 10 days we have together with your shit, Becky. I'm not letting you make me worry over this stupid thing. It's going to be awesome and christmas is going to be lovely. Yes, it'll be sad when he goes home, but we're on the last stretch of the ldr then. But I'm not going to let the thoughts of him going home consume me for the 10 days because then what's the point? I'm going to live in the moment and enjoy every second, so fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off (sorry, that's rather therapeutic). Until next time, Aoife Small update: no new posts until about new years, going to spend some time with my boyfriend. Stay safe, and have a happy Christmas! X

Dear Becky, To be honest, I can understand where you're coming from on this one, but you're being over dramatic. This was such an exciting thing and I had no hesitation in being a part of it. I know I didn't realise at the time that she would be there, but it's ok. That was a long time ago, and it was always her decision to not speak to you. She avoids eye contact, let alone talks to you. She won't talk to you while you're there and can't hurt you because other people will be there. Don't let her ruin something that's so exciting. I don't have to talk to her. I doubt she'll show up half of the time. You do your job and be the best you can be. It'll be like there's a soft shadow in the background, but that's ok. She's not scary. She's not going to hurt you. She's not going to talk to you. She won't show up after a few times, I'm guessing. So I get your worry initially, Becky, but calm down. You see now that y...

If you are unfamiliar with my 'Dear Becky' series, a previous post entitled Dear Becky will fully inform you. Dear Becky You know what? Fuck you. Why are you so afraid of doing an experiment in class? You don't have the teacher you hate anymore. Why are you afraid of going into that class? The teacher is one of the most relaxed and laid backed teachers who actually gets a lot of work done - you should love him. You should be relaxed going into his class. New people and new things aren't scary. The prefect training is a pain in the face, but you're not missing important classes or classes that are hard to catch up on, like maths and history. You have a biology test on Friday, and that's ok. You've studied for ages. You've looked at exams questions. You studied, studied, and restudied chapters and are going to do the same before Friday and on Friday morning. You'll be fine. Maths is also fine. You're a little confused, but you've on...

Dear Becky; A new series I intend to continue. Becky is a big part of my life. Becky is my anxiety. If you have read my previous blog posts, you will know that naming my anxiety has given me great control and power, but Becky is still alive and can be strong. I find great comfort in writing things down. It helps me to think rationally, something Becky fights hard to prevent. Dear Becky will be my writing to Becky, to counteract the anxiety that she's called me. I will write to see what is real and what is Becky fuelled. Will you find it interesting? Maybe not. Unless you're interested in a mind corrupted with anxiety. I know my mental health is the most important thing, and if it helps me cope with life, then that's amazing. If someone reads this, and learns how to deal with their own mental illness or learns how to understand someone in their life with a mental illness, then even better. Dear Becky, You were strong today. I don't know why. But I didn't let ...