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Unusual Coping Method

If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule).
During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams.
History failed me, unfortunately.
But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head?

When I thought about it, I realised something strange.
All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember.
I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb.
That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present.

Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think,
Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me!

It's really hard to explain what this feeling is like to someone who has not experienced it. It's like an out of body experience. It's feeling like a ghost, just floating around and minding your own business, but then realising that you're actually alive and you own your body.

Even though it was helpful for coping with the Leaving Cert, it isn't always helpful. I was oblivious to the stress and worries both my mother and boyfriend were going through at the time, because I just wasn't there. If I get anxious about something I'm excited about (it happens more often than not), I revert to this coping method and lose out on things I'm excited about.

I've felt like a ghost for years, and I think I'm finally ready to put my feet on the ground and live my life.

~~~~
Have you experienced this? All comments are welcome but asked to be respectful. I'm currently not in Ireland so my upload schedule is a bit crazy.
Also, I got accepted into DARE due to my GAD, woo :3
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Twitter: @justaoifethings
Instagram: @justaoifethings

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