Skip to main content

You Can't

You can't do that.
I'm told this a lot by my mother.
She's anxious, and she probably means it with all good intentions.
But to me, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
I feel like I can't wear the clothes I enjoy.
I feel like I can't get the grades I need for the uni I've dreamed of going to.
I feel like I can't be independent.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
In June, I'll be moving out. My boyfriend and I will be working part time whilst going to college, and she's insisting we won't be able to afford it. She insists we'll be too stressed. She insists we won't enjoy college. She insists
You can't do that.
She wants me to live in my grandmothers and for my boyfriend to live on his own, which angers me. Why should I live somewhere rent free when he struggles on his own?
We want to live together. We've lived in different countries our entire relationship, and we want to live together now.
We don't care if we don't have money to go out, seemingly my mother's biggest concern. Neither of us go out often, and you don't need a fortune to have a good time anyway.
We don't mind if we live with other people or on our own, but she doesn't get that.
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
Translation in my head?
You're not good enough.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Becky

Dear Becky; A new series I intend to continue. Becky is a big part of my life. Becky is my anxiety. If you have read my previous blog posts, you will know that naming my anxiety has given me great control and power, but Becky is still alive and can be strong. I find great comfort in writing things down. It helps me to think rationally, something Becky fights hard to prevent. Dear Becky will be my writing to Becky, to counteract the anxiety that she's called me. I will write to see what is real and what is Becky fuelled. Will you find it interesting? Maybe not. Unless you're interested in a mind corrupted with anxiety. I know my mental health is the most important thing, and if it helps me cope with life, then that's amazing. If someone reads this, and learns how to deal with their own mental illness or learns how to understand someone in their life with a mental illness, then even better. Dear Becky, You were strong today. I don't know why. But I didn't let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cycle Against Suicide

An organisation set up by Jim Breen, where thousands of people cycle through Ireland every year, to break the cycle of suicide. Cleverly placed pun. Today, the lovely Mr Breen came to my school and talked to all seven hundred plus of us. In the back, wearing a disgustingly bright orange shirt in support (and feeling decidedly Dutch), I was struggling not to cry. Not that he was being morbid. He didn't delve into details of his depression, or any gruesome details of suicide. He spoke in such a way that was amazing. He spoke to us in a way that reached all levels of understanding in relation to mental health. He was able to educate those who have never experienced a mental monster, without boring them, or frightening them off the topic. Though, even with such sensitivity, he was able to touch those who had suffered mental illness. It was like a little nod to us. We knew we were understood, that he understood. For me, that is always extremely emotional. For someone to understa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Counseling

If you know me at all, you will know that I have repeatedly stated that counseling is just not for me. I think I may have been wrong. Last week, I had my first ever positive therapy experience, after almost four years of being in and out of counseling offices. I decided to self-refer to my university's counseling service. I thought that I'd give it one last shot. I went to an occupational therapist, and I'd already used the coping mechanisms she suggested. I really didn't want that to be it. I didn't want to think that my current mental state was the best it was ever going to get. Although much better than it was, it's still not great. I was booked in within a month, not bad with a waiting list of over a hundred people. I went to the waiting room and I started to panic. My eyes were threatening tears. I texted my boyfriend. "I'm scared and I want to go home." What if this was going to be the same as before? What if I ...
Post a Comment
Read more