You can't do that.
I'm told this a lot by my mother.
She's anxious, and she probably means it with all good intentions.
But to me, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
I feel like I can't wear the clothes I enjoy.
I feel like I can't get the grades I need for the uni I've dreamed of going to.
I feel like I can't be independent.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
In June, I'll be moving out. My boyfriend and I will be working part time whilst going to college, and she's insisting we won't be able to afford it. She insists we'll be too stressed. She insists we won't enjoy college. She insists
You can't do that.
She wants me to live in my grandmothers and for my boyfriend to live on his own, which angers me. Why should I live somewhere rent free when he struggles on his own?
We want to live together. We've lived in different countries our entire relationship, and we want to live together now.
We don't care if we don't have money to go out, seemingly my mother's biggest concern. Neither of us go out often, and you don't need a fortune to have a good time anyway.
We don't mind if we live with other people or on our own, but she doesn't get that.
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
You can't do it.
Translation in my head?
You're not good enough.
If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
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