I feel consistently happy for the first time since... ever. I don't remember ever being consistently happy.
I thought this time in my life would be awful. I'm in my final year of school, and I thought the pressures of looming exams would anger my anxiety.
But it's not.
This is also the first time in a long time that I've been consistently calm.
I don't know what I did. I don't know what's different. I'm confused as to why I'm so happy and calm. I'm presuming I'm happy because I'm not anxious all the time. My anxiety has numbed greatly, having only had one panic attack in the past few months. I have no idea what caused that either. I wonder if it's because the life I've been planning for is just around the corner.
I don't know why, but things got better.
I suppose that is always the way of mental illness, if you give it time.
If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
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