It was my boyfriends eighteenth birthday yesterday.
I couldn't be there.
My package for him didn't even arrive on time.
It's a gut wrenching feeling, missing out on such important events. I'm only ever behind a screen for him.
A feeling of helplessness engulfs you. You can't celebrate an important day in his life, not properly, anyway. The little piece of me I sent didn't even get there yet, which is incredibly infuriating.
He doesn't care for celebrating birthdays much, and nor do I, but not even being able to give him a hug on a significant day hurts.
I know we've been apart for birthdays before. I know I'm going to miss his graduation, which kills me. I'll still be in school by that time, due to how our final exams work out, but I'll miss a celebration that won't come again.
There's so many articles on how to cope with LDRs. Send them this, send them that, do this, say that.
But when you miss important milestones in your loved ones life, these things are rendered useless.
At the end of the day, an LDR will hurt. The person you're waiting for and an end date is the only things that will get you through.
If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
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