Sometimes I feel that I'm watching life slip by me, in terms of being social. I'm almost 18, but I've never been to a party. I was invited to one once, but had a panic attack and didn't go.
Sorry about that, Eugene.
On Facebook, there's pictures of people going out and just having a good time. Even in school, everyone hangs out together and everyone gets along so well.
But then there's me.
I'm such an outsider, and I know it. I have a couple of friends, but only one who's really close, who I know genuinely enjoys spending time with me (I hope). But even she is able to branch out, go to gigs and pubs and parties.
I actually haven't seen anyone socially in about four months. I just use the excuse of school, but in reality, I'm just scared. I can't just walk up to people in school and strike up a conversation.
I suppose I get paranoid. I'm afraid that people think I'm weird. I'm awkward when conversations arise which probably doesn't help.
And it's not like I want a million friends, because I know it doesn't work that way. I know that people like my best friend are my real friends. I just wish I wasn't so terrified to say hello to people. Because I end up really enjoying conversations that come my way. And it's not like I'm striving to be some party animal. It's just the fact I don't go and socialise. Not even with my best friend, because I'm so afraid.
My social anxiety is probably why the relationship with my boyfriend blossomed, because the first six months was purely behind a screen.
While I do genuinely enjoy company of others, I also value my own company. I have to learn to find that balance, to be happy and healthy. It's one of the things I intend to work on when I hopefully go to uni. An unimaginable amount of new people will enter my life, through uni, moving, and working to keep myself fed and under a roof.
Right now, my social side is in hibernation, as it has been since I was small. Maybe it'll open an eye when a whole new life begins for me.
If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
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