Skip to main content

Social Anxiety


Sometimes I feel that I'm watching life slip by me, in terms of being social. I'm almost 18, but I've never been to a party. I was invited to one once, but had a panic attack and didn't go.
Sorry about that, Eugene.
On Facebook, there's pictures of people going out and just having a good time. Even in school, everyone hangs out together and everyone gets along so well.
But then there's me.
I'm such an outsider, and I know it. I have a couple of friends, but only one who's really close, who I know genuinely enjoys spending time with me (I hope). But even she is able to branch out, go to gigs and pubs and parties.
I actually haven't seen anyone socially in about four months. I just use the excuse of school, but in reality, I'm just scared. I can't just walk up to people in school and strike up a conversation.
I suppose I get paranoid. I'm afraid that people think I'm weird. I'm awkward when conversations arise which probably doesn't help.
And it's not like I want a million friends, because I know it doesn't work that way. I know that people like my best friend are my real friends. I just wish I wasn't so terrified to say hello to people. Because I end up really enjoying conversations that come my way. And it's not like I'm striving to be some party animal. It's just the fact I don't go and socialise. Not even with my best friend, because I'm so afraid.
My social anxiety is probably why the relationship with my boyfriend blossomed, because the first six months was purely behind a screen.
While I do genuinely enjoy company of others, I also value my own company. I have to learn to find that balance, to be happy and healthy. It's one of the things I intend to work on when I hopefully go to uni. An unimaginable amount of new people will enter my life, through uni, moving, and working to keep myself fed and under a roof.
Right now, my social side is in hibernation, as it has been since I was small. Maybe it'll open an eye when a whole new life begins for me.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unusual Coping Method

If you've read recent blog posts, you'll know I've recently finished my Leaving Cert (hence the erratic upload schedule). During it, I was surprising calm, and only cried over two exams. History failed me, unfortunately. But, I couldn't understand why I was so calm. Why wasn't Becky rearing her ugly head? When I thought about it, I realised something strange. All the exams I had done were a blur. I felt like I hadn't even done them. When I came out of an exam and was asked a question about the paper, I blanked. I just didn't remember. I was forgetting a lot of things in day to day life, and feeling numb. That's when I realised what I was doing, I wasn't being present. Feeling as if you're not present is a major symptom of anxiety, so I suppose it has become an unintentional coping method for me. I'd look in the mirror and think, Wow, I'm actually that person. That reflection is me! It's really hard to explain what this feeli...
Post a Comment
Read more

Medication

I have always been the one who advocates for medication for mental health and its usefullness, but what happens when your medication doesn't work for you anymore? That is what had been happening to me recently (hence the complete lack of a schedule on this blog). I had been dealing with it until a point, until depression hit me hard, and for more than a couple of days this time. I had avoided going to the doctor because I didn't want to go back to switching between medications all the time, incase they made everything worse. When I was eventually forced to go, only my contraceptive pill was changed, at first. The doctor told me that she never would take me off my medcation, and for that, I was relieved. So many people ask when I'm coming off it, or are surprised when I'm still on it. People don't seem to realise that disorders and illnesses don't just go away (I wish they did, though). As I changed contraceptive pill, the low feeling of depression went away, b...
Post a Comment
Read more

Feeling Anxious

Having anxiety, I regularly tend to feel anxious. I've been asked if it's excessive or extreme worry or stress, but no, it's not. It's anxiety, it's very different. Right now, I'm feeling particularly anxious. When I say this to a person without anxiety, they assume I'm feeling worried or stressed, which isn't the case. I feel like there's something massive weighing my chest down. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe, because if I don't, I will forget to do so. I feel as if a snake is making its way up my throat, trying to twist my oesophagus while its head rests on the back of my tongue. My head is spinning. It goes from one thought to the next and back again in a couple of seconds. My mind is transfixed on one thing that I'm anxious on, and I know that anxiety is making me think it's worse than it is. (Or is it? I don't know.) My senses are heightened. Every noise is irratating, and I can feel things through just a bru...
2 comments
Read more