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Depression

The following is an extract of a piece I wrote in 2013, and by the date, it was a few weeks before I was diagnosed with depression. I feel as someone who is recovering from depression, it can be hard to fully express what it can feel like, especially as I haven't been in such a dark place for at least a year. But this is what it feels like.

"Wed 24/08/13
Um, I didn't feel sad, like yesterday, or angry, like a couple of weeks ago. I felt... empty. I don't like feeling empty. Like something may trigger a smile but I didn't feel happy. At least when I feel sad, things can make me feel happy too. I don't like feeling empty. I don't know whether it was some 'cleansing' thing from all my crying last night. But I don't like it. Yesterday I was sad and ANXIOUS. Today, I felt sick and empty. I smile on the outside, because I know something makes me smile and makes me happy,  but it's like I can't feel it. And it unnerves me. I felt a bit better in the last hour, but I can still tell I'm not right right now. It wasn't proper happiness. It was a smidgen. I still felt too empty. It worries me. I don't like feeling like this. I just want to be happy."
"I can't help it if I do have depression, and if I do, they've certainly belittled the situation and [could have] stopped it from being a lot worse."
"I don't want to be miserable like I was when I was little.... I just don't want to be sad for no reason."

Following this, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and had rather severe reoccurring suidal thought. The only reason I was finally taken seriously by my parents and doctors was when I told them how much I wanted to die. If you're feeling like this, please search for help, family, friends, counselling, helpline, anything, because I'm living proof it can get better. If you think someone you know is feeling this way, at least ask them how they are and let them know you're there for them. That's a huge first step.
~
Hope this blog could help! Come back every Wednesday (I know today is Thursday, I thought it was Wednesday :3), or check out my Facebook and Twitter for reminders
Facebook: justaoifethings
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