Skip to main content

Limits

"What have you done over the summer?"
"Nothing much, I haven't been well."
"Anxiety?"
This is a conversation I had the other day with someone I haven't known for a particularly long time, neither do I know him particularly well. It frustrated and mildly upset myself. Am I so predictable that when I'm ill people automatically assume it's my mental health?
I have always said that I won't let my mental illnesses, particularly my anxiety disorder, get in the way of my life. I thought I was doing well during my first year at university, especially since I was going to therapy. But, looking back on it, anxiety dictated a lot of what I did. I missed out on a lot of social events and extracurricular activities I was genuinely interested in. I let my anxiety react far too hard to situations, leading to multiple crying sessions in the library (crying in my space of education was something I swore to give up after secondary school). When applying for the auditor position I am so grateful to have, I had to start by apologising for being absent for the year, because I was ill. And while I loved my first year, I can see that anxiety had effected me enough for friends I had only met to take notice.
I have accepted that with anxiety, there comes limits. My brain is not like the majority, and I have accepted that. I have also accepted that with my disorder, comes with limits that others don't necessarily have. The problem is figuring out those limits. Am I responsibly keeping within my limit so I don't break down beyond function, or is anxiety preventing me from gently pushing my limits? It's really hard to tell, especially when those around you express their fears that I'm pushing my limits too hard.
I honestly don't know which of these is true.
Though, I'm determined to push a limit that always scared me. I am nineteen and have never had a paid job. That's not to say I've never worked (I worked voluntarily in a charity shop and sanctuary) or that I haven't tried (I have but I live in the Irish countryside), but I didn't want to work during uni last semester, and my parents didn't want me to either. I have always been afraid that it will be too much. That I won't be able to cope. And that was it.
Anxiety has a way of making you underestimate yourself. I think. I'm going to try and work. Because if everyone else can do it, why can't I? Even if my brain is a bit different. I'm going to push those limits.



Come say hi;
Twitter; @justaoifethings
Facebook; Justaoifethings
Instagram; Justaoifethings
Business email; justaoifethings@gmail.com
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cycle Against Suicide

An organisation set up by Jim Breen, where thousands of people cycle through Ireland every year, to break the cycle of suicide. Cleverly placed pun. Today, the lovely Mr Breen came to my school and talked to all seven hundred plus of us. In the back, wearing a disgustingly bright orange shirt in support (and feeling decidedly Dutch), I was struggling not to cry. Not that he was being morbid. He didn't delve into details of his depression, or any gruesome details of suicide. He spoke in such a way that was amazing. He spoke to us in a way that reached all levels of understanding in relation to mental health. He was able to educate those who have never experienced a mental monster, without boring them, or frightening them off the topic. Though, even with such sensitivity, he was able to touch those who had suffered mental illness. It was like a little nod to us. We knew we were understood, that he understood. For me, that is always extremely emotional. For someone to understa...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Birds of 1916

Birds flew high over Dublin City When the first shot was fired Startled, they watched As the famous street descended into chaos Roars were thrown Screams struggled to stay in Tears drowned But nothing stopped Men from two sides If they could even yet be called men Attacked eachother And the birds could not figure out why A hundred years later The blood had long been gone from the famous street And something was different in the air ~ It's almost the centenary of the 1916 Easter Rising! We remember the men and women who fought for Ireland to be a free and democratic nation, those that died in the fight and those who were executed after to set the pathway for a new nation. I felt the best way I could commemorate this was to do what I know best; to write Hope you enjoyed! I write a new blog every Wednesday Facebook: justaoifethings Twitter: @justaoifethings Instagram: @justaoifethings
Post a Comment
Read more

Friends and Mental Health

No, life is not like a novel. Unfortunately. So one person will not come and understand all your woes and make life better.  It's unfair to expect so much out of one person. One person cannot be perfect. One person cannot understand everything you're going through, even if they have the same mental illness as you, no matter how much they'd like to. I've met multitudes of people with anxiety and depression. Some of us understand eachother and get along, and some of us just don't. And that's fine. You cannot expect one person to fulfill your needs as a human. I'm not telling you that you need a million friends or have to be a social butterfly. Just a few, so you don't rely on one person. There's something about life today that makes us forget that others are humans, with emotions and needs. I learned the hard way that you cannot impose all your problems on one person. People tend to be kind and cautious when you're going through a tough time,...
Post a Comment
Read more