justaoifethings

Activism is growing to be a huge part of my life. Generalised Anxiety Disorder has always been a gigantic part of my life. At one point I thought I was never going to be able to combine the two, especially since my anxiety disorder is a chronic one. But yesterday, I went to my first rally for "Rally2Repeal". I think to say that I was anxious was an understatement. I had put myself forward and became the auditor of the abortion rights group in my university, so I had to go to these things now. A part of my anxiety was afraid that I was going to let the whole group down. What if I wasn't what they wanted? What if they would ask me to step down? What if I did or said something they found unacceptable? My other anxiety was the fear of being confronted aggressively by an anti-choicer. One of my strongest triggers is someone yelling at me. Again, when I put myself forward for the job, I knew this, but yesterday made it feel almost uncomfortably real. But I went to the ral...

I am currently in the Netherlands, staying in my boyfriends family home. Last night at dinner, I told them about Ireland's struggle for abortion rights. I told them about religion, prejudice, the leaders, and a lack of education (no, full born babies aren't thrown into buckets, like I was brought up to believe). They looked at me like I was crazy. We are so behind in this aspect. I firmly believe that a lack of education is to blame. If people knew the science behind it ( this is a good post to read. There is also a theory that human life doesn't begin until brain activity, but there is no one point that seems to be universally agreed upon for life to begin), it would end pointless shaming and horror stories. Though, what also won't help us, is our new leader. It is frustrating as worldwide media is celebrating that Ireland's new leader is young, gay and half Indian. Perhaps this would be worthy of celebration if the citizens of Ireland actually voted him in, sh...

Becoming triggered is a joke these days. In a meme I had hoped had died down, I see it revived constantly. It is to the point where people like myself, who have triggers, feel ridiculous for using the word. I struggled to get the words, "It triggered me" out of my mouth last week. But I was triggered, and I was triggered badly. I won't get into why and how, because that is a long and personal story. But it caused my first panic attack in months. Being triggered doesn't look like someone who is mildly uncomfortable. It doesn't look like someone who is mildly offended. It doesn't look like someone who is mildly agitated. For me, it looked like a person who couldn't breathe. Who couldn't move for over thirty minutes. Someone who hyperventilated and stayed in bed for hours because they were too scared to move. Someone who looked like this, even though this photo was taken hours after having a panic attack due to a trigger.   It's exhausting. I...

Everything is boring. All I want to do is cry or sleep. Anxiety will come in strong waves, but then darker waves will take it out again. It's taken me a week to even pull this site up. I used to be able to write at least six hundred words a day for my novel in progress, but lately I've been struggling to get two hundred. Not much motivates me. Things that make me happy wash over my head. Is this depression? Is it the fact that I'm exhausted, college is coming to an end and that exams are coming up? Will I be ok again when that's all over, or am I in a weird spiral again? I know this blog tries to be helpful. I know that it tries to be positive, but sometimes it needs to be real. I was reminded of this when watching this video (TW eating disorders). It made me cry, but it also reminded me that I'm not alone in my experiences. Right now, I'm spaced out. I don't know if what I'm writing is cohesive or makes sense, but it's my thought process right n...

I hate going on nights out. With a passion. So much so that I probably go out one night every four months, whilst for most people my age, it's at least a weekly affair. One of the last times I was out, I ended up hyperventilating in a bathroom. If you're like me and don't want to just avoid it, I have some tips that might help you! Don't drink. Especially if, like me, you have anxiety. Alcohol is a depressant and can make us more anxious. It will most likely not make you feel calm throughout the night. If you experience depersonalisation, it can increase this. The same goes for drugs (yes, even weed). Even though some drugs can originally have a calming effect, they can induce depressed episodes and paranoia. If you feel uncomfortable pr left out during the night, buy a drink of coke. It'll help you feel more in place if you have a glass in hand. Image from here     2. Wear something you're comfy in If you wear something that makes you uncomfortabl...

On Friday, I went to a therapy session. Both my therapist and I are pretty visual, so we decided to do a visual mental exercise. He asked me to imagine that I was in a forest, and I to imagine that I saw an animal. When discussing it, it turned out it was an exercise about being present. This is something I find hard to do, and wrote a blog post the first time I realised I was doing it. This feeling of being anywhere but in the now is a pretty common symptom of anxiety. For me, though, it had gone far beyond spacing out and not thinking about anything. My therapist asked me what qualities are necessary to be present, and I was stumped. I was never in the present. It was really rare, and for the longest time, I thought that everyone thought like me. I was always in the future, or the past, and this caused me to get anxious. Even if I was thinking about something positive, I would quickly think of all the problems that could come with it, which caused me to be anxious. I'm in a lo...

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of bad therapists. But I currently have an excellent therapist. The latter seems to get ignored, and people who are entertaining the idea of counseling are bombarded with horror stories, which puts them off. So let's talk about the good stories. I think there's a general stereotypical idea of therapists. An old man, who makes you lie on a couch, and doesn't do much but ask you to 'go on' every few minutes. I can tell you that my sessions are nothing like that. Whilst my therapist is a man, there's not an uncomfortable age gap between us. There is no weird couch. It often starts with him asking how my week has been. I tell him, and usually something weird has happened and we'll start with that. If not, he'll ask me how I want to use the time. I can just go and rant if I wish (and honestly, that's what I did last week). That being said, therapy isn't necessarily this clinical space. I have had a f...