justaoifethings

Becoming triggered is a joke these days. In a meme I had hoped had died down, I see it revived constantly. It is to the point where people like myself, who have triggers, feel ridiculous for using the word. I struggled to get the words, "It triggered me" out of my mouth last week. But I was triggered, and I was triggered badly. I won't get into why and how, because that is a long and personal story. But it caused my first panic attack in months. Being triggered doesn't look like someone who is mildly uncomfortable. It doesn't look like someone who is mildly offended. It doesn't look like someone who is mildly agitated. For me, it looked like a person who couldn't breathe. Who couldn't move for over thirty minutes. Someone who hyperventilated and stayed in bed for hours because they were too scared to move. Someone who looked like this, even though this photo was taken hours after having a panic attack due to a trigger.   It's exhausting. I...

Everything is boring. All I want to do is cry or sleep. Anxiety will come in strong waves, but then darker waves will take it out again. It's taken me a week to even pull this site up. I used to be able to write at least six hundred words a day for my novel in progress, but lately I've been struggling to get two hundred. Not much motivates me. Things that make me happy wash over my head. Is this depression? Is it the fact that I'm exhausted, college is coming to an end and that exams are coming up? Will I be ok again when that's all over, or am I in a weird spiral again? I know this blog tries to be helpful. I know that it tries to be positive, but sometimes it needs to be real. I was reminded of this when watching this video (TW eating disorders). It made me cry, but it also reminded me that I'm not alone in my experiences. Right now, I'm spaced out. I don't know if what I'm writing is cohesive or makes sense, but it's my thought process right n...

I hate going on nights out. With a passion. So much so that I probably go out one night every four months, whilst for most people my age, it's at least a weekly affair. One of the last times I was out, I ended up hyperventilating in a bathroom. If you're like me and don't want to just avoid it, I have some tips that might help you! Don't drink. Especially if, like me, you have anxiety. Alcohol is a depressant and can make us more anxious. It will most likely not make you feel calm throughout the night. If you experience depersonalisation, it can increase this. The same goes for drugs (yes, even weed). Even though some drugs can originally have a calming effect, they can induce depressed episodes and paranoia. If you feel uncomfortable pr left out during the night, buy a drink of coke. It'll help you feel more in place if you have a glass in hand. Image from here     2. Wear something you're comfy in If you wear something that makes you uncomfortabl...

On Friday, I went to a therapy session. Both my therapist and I are pretty visual, so we decided to do a visual mental exercise. He asked me to imagine that I was in a forest, and I to imagine that I saw an animal. When discussing it, it turned out it was an exercise about being present. This is something I find hard to do, and wrote a blog post the first time I realised I was doing it. This feeling of being anywhere but in the now is a pretty common symptom of anxiety. For me, though, it had gone far beyond spacing out and not thinking about anything. My therapist asked me what qualities are necessary to be present, and I was stumped. I was never in the present. It was really rare, and for the longest time, I thought that everyone thought like me. I was always in the future, or the past, and this caused me to get anxious. Even if I was thinking about something positive, I would quickly think of all the problems that could come with it, which caused me to be anxious. I'm in a lo...

Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of bad therapists. But I currently have an excellent therapist. The latter seems to get ignored, and people who are entertaining the idea of counseling are bombarded with horror stories, which puts them off. So let's talk about the good stories. I think there's a general stereotypical idea of therapists. An old man, who makes you lie on a couch, and doesn't do much but ask you to 'go on' every few minutes. I can tell you that my sessions are nothing like that. Whilst my therapist is a man, there's not an uncomfortable age gap between us. There is no weird couch. It often starts with him asking how my week has been. I tell him, and usually something weird has happened and we'll start with that. If not, he'll ask me how I want to use the time. I can just go and rant if I wish (and honestly, that's what I did last week). That being said, therapy isn't necessarily this clinical space. I have had a f...

I've always been advised to stay away from modelling. With my anxiety, people were sure that my body issues would become worse and develop into a disorder. This was so much so that I've rejected an offer from an agency before. Though, this year, the UCD fashion show was in aid of a mental health charity, so I decided to audition, and to my surprise, was given a place. It turns out, that modelling in this environment, is extremely healthy. There was a huge diversity of races, ethnicities, sexualities, body types and personalities. Never once did I feel inferior to anyone else, or that anyone was more or less beautiful than I was. The organisers were lovely and so encouraging (shout out to Jenny and Baker). It was a rare instance that I felt that I can, rather than I can't. Their manner of constructive criticism was perfect, that my chronic anxiety didn't take it the wrong way. For once, I felt OK about doing something extracurricular. During my secondary school career...

I know this blog is usually a mental health blog, but that was unintentional. I have some mental health posts lined up, as it is a topic I of course really care about (I spoke at a Congress for Cycle Against Suicide the other week), but I am living on the same earth as you are, and I want to address the elephant in the room. Since Donald Trump has been elected, the atmosphere of the world has changed. People are living in fear. I will keep this short and sweet, because this is all rather simple. Torture is not ok. Trying to ban people from coming into a country just because they come from Muslim countries is not ok (deny it all you want, Donald, it's obvious what you're at). Taking away Planned Parenthood which not only provides abortions, but cancer screenings, is not ok (do not argue that you are pro-life with me when you do nothing but campaign for unborn fetuses', support people who said that unwanted pregnancies are all a woman's fault, disregard women's li...